A different way

Our neighbors opened their door as we approached our own and said we must come in to meet their niece's baby. They were so excited to show us, but mostly Oliver, "Steve" the newest addition to their family. Oliver glanced at the baby but then went about running around after and trying to engage with their three year old, Enoch. At one point Enoch's dad turned to his visiting niece and said "Lindsey has a very different, but very successful way of raising Oliver." Okaaaay....I thought. Where is he going with this? He continued, "Listen to his vocabulary! Look at how capable he is! This is because Lindsey talks with him all day and let's him try new things! This is because she stays home with him and has no help!" My heart skipped a beat. Rajneesh is officially the first Indian person to compliment my choice to stay home with Oliver. Most have flat-out told me I am crazy not to have any help. I am still thinking a lot about the difference in parenting beliefs I have versus what my current country-mates have. They are so striking when you watch us in action.

Oliver and I have filled our schedule with playdates and music classes and trips up the mountain since Rose and Ennis left. Two weeks ago we had our usual playdate with a two year old son of a teacher here at Woodstock. I will call the boy Bob. Bob stays at home with his grandma and ayah while both parents work. Bob's grandma is a firm believer in keeping him indoors all day so he is "safe", "clean" and "well-behaved." For the first time, I convinced her to let the boys play outside in the common area of her neighborhood. She hesitated but I told her I would keep a "close eye on Bob" and she relented. Bob has no one his age in the neighborhood and because he is inside all day, he never plays with any children. EVER. Bob was so excited to see us walk up that he nearly burst through the screen of his door. He ran at us with his grandma howling "Shoes! No Shoes!" He slowed for about 15 seconds so she could quickly slide them on his feet and when she noticed Oliver wearing a hat, she ran inside and found (no kidding) a bowler hat and placed it on his head. Bob kept a tight grasp on Oliver as Oliver tried to make his way away from Bob. Oliver fell. Bob's grandma yelped but I didn't react. Oliver righted himself and Bob pushed him over with enthusiasm. Oh boy. I have firmly established myself as the mom who doesn't yelp when her child spills, slips and tumbles. I will scoop Oliver up and comfort him if necessary, but my non-reaction is a direct response to the screams and horror of my fellow neighbors when their children do the same. I was starting to question whether it was time to start reacting when Bob drew blood. He was so excited about throwing the ball to Oliver that he grabbed Oliver's arm and dug in. Oliver wailed. "You're going to be just fine. That was an accident." Still calm, I sent him to go after the ball. Then Bob decided he wanted it and bit Oliver's hand. This snapped me out of my super-calm-American-mom mode. "Aramse, Bob! Gentle... do not bite people, it hurts." Oliver decided the ball was  no longer worth it and went after the motorcycle toy which, predictably, Bob decided he wanted as well. To take possession of the motorcycle Bob put Oliver in a surprisingly strong and forceful choke-hold, panicking Oliver and causing him to cough and gasp. I was no longer cool at all. "BOB! NO!" (I pry his arms from my son's neck) "Bob, that's hurting him. ARAMSE! Get off my kid, Bob!"

I freed Oliver and walk to the other side of the common area with my startled and coughing child. Playdate over.  Not sure I really care to see Bob again. Grandma came over and said, "See! It's so hot! Makes him naughty!" and swept him into the house.  I decided then and there that it is not my job, nor Oliver's, to socialize Bob. He's on his own.

I know full-well that Oliver will slug, bite, kick, pinch people in the future, that is what kids do...but I sincerely hope he will draw the line at strangling someone. So that play option is no more. We met once with the woman I picked up at the restaurant and her two sons, but we just didn't hit it off.

I have decided that I can't force Oliver's socialization. We go to school, we play with the pre-k kids and he runs around with the high schoolers. The play groups will happen, and it's okay that they aren't happening now. I do look forward to having a community gathering place: a park, library, children's museum, where we can naturally interact with other kids and moms. That really is the big difference I have felt between child rearing here and in the states. Everyone here turns to their ayah for help, I turn to my friends and other moms. I can't wait to be back around moms once more. I have missed it so much since Rose left.